Crash and Burn
by perpetuo
Summary: The war is over. So are Tonks and Remus. Unable to cope with the end of their three year relationship, Tonks moves away from her friends and most importantly, Remus. Now she’s coming back to attend Harry and Ginny’s wedding. Only thing is...she's engaged.
1. Grace

_Nothing comes easily._

_Fill this empty space._

_Nothing is like it was._

_Turn my grief to grace._

– Kate Havnevik

The pleasure of waking up in Mark's arms has never waned.

Warm and protective, they encircle me like heaven's own arms. Yes, heaven. Because I believe heaven is a wonderful place, with warm and protective things…like his arms. In fact, they're so heavenly, I often call him god. Of course I'm still drunk with sleep when I do this, but I still do. Being a man I don't think he ever gets tired of the complement.

I hear his breathing change and know he has joined me in the world of the living. His arms tighten around me and I wiggle playfully. He moans in my ear, but it's not the husky let's-have-sex moan; it's an I-just-wanna-sleep-Tonks moan. I wiggle again and his arms tighten even more, stopping any movement I have planned.

"Hmm," he moans, and his breath tickles my neck. "Sleep is good. Sleep is magical."

I go to tell him that he can whip out his wand and _make_ something magical, but I refrain. You do not deprive Mark from his sleep. You do not make jokes when Mark wants to sleep. Sleep is his antidote to life. Sleep is his alcohol. And after the last few weeks, Mark needs his alcohol.

"I have to get up," I tell him, but he doesn't release me from his hold.

"No." He mumbles. "You sleep. We sleep."

I laugh. "Mark! I have to shower, have to pack. I'm leaving today, remember?"

He groans before releasing me. I have deprived Mark of sleep. Since he can't see me – I grin. Breaking his rules is _always_ a great way to start the morning. "I thought you were leaving _tomorrow_."

"Nope." I tell him cheerfully as I climb out of bed. He makes a futile attempt to grab me before burying his head in the pillow. "Ginny is stressing. She needs me earlier than she said before."

"What about her sister?" He asks, voice hardly audible. "Hermione."

"Hah. My dear, dear friend, Hermione is nine months pregnant. And is officially late as of yesterday. Ginny needs me."

He mumbles something unintelligible.

"I'm getting in the shower, love."

I skip out of the room while singing some crude sailor song we once heard on an old muggle film. Feebly Mark throws a pillow at me, only for it to land on the opposite side of the bed. I stick my tongue out before entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind me.

---

As the warm water trickles into my eyes and pounds against my back, I am forced to think about my homecoming. Mark gave me plenty of distractions last night, but now, alone in the shower, I can't _not_ think about going home.

Yes, I am excited for Harry and Ginny's wedding, for Ron and Hermione's baby – excited just to see everyone. Almost everyone. Well no, everyone – ugh. This whole going home thing is too confusing. It would be a lot less complicated if a certain werewolf wouldn't be there. A werewolf named Remus.

The last time I saw him my eyes were red and swollen, his closed and unreadable. I guess his words told me everything I needed to know, that we just weren't meant to be. Men! They always have the stupidest reasons for ending a relationship. Remus tried saying the same thing before we had gotten together, when I professed my feelings in front of everyone the night Dumbledore died.

I was a mess when I moved across country…rather, across sea. But then, in the busy streets of New York, I met a man who helped turn me around, who I learned to love. And this time, I was loved back. So loved in fact that two months ago Mark proposed. And I said yes. I said yes and saw Remus' face.

Life sucks.

One moment you're all happy and giddy and the next you're drowning in a pool of sorrow, or some other poetic crap. I thought my life was on track – _is_ on track – but this, going back to where the catalyst of my move lives, sends me off a few paces and into a nearby wall.

Remus was my love. I pinned for him, cried over him. He hurt me. Hurt me enough to send me to America, to send me into the arms of another man. And yet I'm scared to see him, scared of what I'll do when I'm near him.

Mark was my redemption, my savior – he's heaven's arms.

But Remus is the fork in the road. The obstacle that no matter how hard you try you can't avoid. And I'm afraid that without Mark, I'll waver…I'll get off course and crash into that wall.

My hair grows and turns to brown at the thought.

Yes. Life sucks.

---

**Author's Note: Sooo originally this story was posted over at HPFF, along with two other chapters. But I've decided to bring it here. Well, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. And by the way, reviews make me plenty happy. D**


	2. Time

_And time brings me home.  
Time brings me home._  
-Unkle Bob

Two years away from the people you love can do a lot to a person – such as forgetting how numb you became when being hugged by Molly Weasley. As much as I love the woman, she really doesn't know her own strength. Molly was there when no one else was; I can put up with her chokeholds, truly, I can.

But that doesn't stop me from almost crying out in relief when Ginny finally pulls her mother off me. The younger woman grins before she too has me in an embrace. It lasts much less longer, and is tenfold more comforting.

She pulls away, but keeps a firm grip on my shoulders. I sign, feigning impatience, as she looks me up and down, seemingly checking for any changes. But then, as she squeals in excitement and reaches for my hand, I realize what she had been looking for.

"Oh, Tonks!" She cries, and everyone gathers around us to examine the rock on my finger. I beam like the happy engaged woman I am…because seriously, I'm getting married. I have every right to beam and be happy.

But…

My grin slips slightly as I look around at the people surrounding me. My smile doesn't fade out of displeasure, only of sad remembrance. I see Bill and Fleur, Fred and George, Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, but not Charlie, or Arthur. And I know tonight, when this house will be filled with even more people, a lot of faces will be missing.

In Molly's eyes a lingering pain resides behind the happy gleam. Her husband and son dead, Molly has had a far from perfect life, but here she stands, fawning over my ring and grinning. She's in pain and hurting, and yet she's still happy to see me, even though I left her broken and in pieces. I know she had her family and friends to help her, but after everything she did for me…well, a knot has formed in my stomach. Molly truly is a wonderful woman.

And then my eyes fall on Hermione, and my grin widens once again. I embrace her instantly, though I'm careful of her round belly. For so long Hermione and Ron danced around each other, and now they're awaiting their first child. I feel old.

"Come on, don't be shy!"

I look down and around when I hear Ginny's exasperated plead. And sure enough, hiding behind her mother's legs, is three year old Lily Potter. With her mother's hair and father's eyes, she most certainly is Lily Potter – or, at least, from what I'm told. Though despite her parentage, the girl is awfully shy.

I smile hesitantly at the girl. While _I_ may not be shy, I am dreadful when it comes to children under the age of twelve.

"Well," Molly claps her hands together, stealing my attention away from the child. "Dinner will be ready in two hours. Percy should be here soon. The same goes with Kingsley. I sent a letter out to Remus, but he never responded."

I am accurately aware of the way Molly's voice becomes hesitant at the mention of Remus. Before everyone was simply looking at me; now it feels like their eyes are burning holes through me. I force a smile. "It will be good to see them again."

---

An hour later I am outside under the cloudy sky, Ginny having pulled me away from the rest of the family. We have walked to the opposite end of the Burrow's backyard, to the small pond just outside their property. Ginny sits down by it and I follow. Up until this point we have walked in a comfortable silence.

"So, what's it like being back?" Ginny asks. I know she has another, more interesting, question she rather ask, but it's a mark of out friendship that she holds back.

I shrug. "Honestly, it feels like I've only been gone a few days, not three years.

Ginny smiles sadly. "Trust me, it hasn't been a few days."

I wrap an arm around her and rest my head against her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm back now."

We lapse into silence. It's comfortable, just to be in each other's presence again. The war brought us together; my breakup tore us apart.

After awhile I grin and say, "You're getting married."

She shrugs. "Really, I don't see what the big deal is. It feels like we've been married ever since Lily was born."

But as she says this I notice the way her eyes glaze over and a soft smile appears on her lips, and I know she's thinking of Harry.

Suddenly, however, she looks hesitant. "Tonks, about tonight…"

I know where she's going, but I pretend not to. "What about tonight?"

She frowns at me, and I know she doesn't believe me. I sigh. "I dunno, Ginny. I really just don't know."

"Do you miss him?"

The question startles me. Never for one moment since I left did I ever stop missing Remus. But to say it out loud? It felt like I was betraying Mark. "I don't know, maybe."

Ginny smiles. She knows I'm lying.

In an attempt to evade any more questions on Remus, I stand up and brush off my cloths. "We should head back; dinner's probably ready."

---

It's not until it's too late that I realize I wish I never suggested going back.

He sat between Harry and Bill, laughing at one of the twin's jokes. His hair has grayed even more in the last three years, and more lines are etched on his face. Yet somehow, despite all of this, he still looks beautiful to me.

"Remus," I whisper.

And, as if he heard me, he looks up and meets my eyes. The laughter dies from his lips instantly, but I can still see the smile in his eyes. Suddenly it's very quiet as everyone notices what distracted Remus.

Seeing this, Kingsley stands up and approaches me. It isn't until he is beside me that I finally tear my eyes from Remus. I shake hands with Kingsley and he catches me off-guard by giving me a short, but heartfelt, hug.

By the time he sits back down again everyone has resumed talking. Ginny calls me over to sit between her and Hermione. I chance a glance at Remus. He is still staring at me and our eyes meet. In what feels like an eternity we have a conversation in the language we've perfected so long ago.

_I've missed you._

I'm engaged.

I know. I've still missed you.

I've missed you too.

Ginny's voice startles me, and I realize that now it's not just Remus who is looking at me, but the entire table. I smile and dutifully take my seat beside Ginny. It was going to be a long night.

**Author's Note:** So this story has been pretty slow moving so far. Next chapter is when the plot really develops, and I mean really develops. So the next chapter will definitely be longer, I promise.


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